pregnancy loss

TWGGE - The Worst Girl Gang Ever Podcast

Thank you to Bex & Laura from The Worst Girl Gang Ever (TWGGE), for having me on their podcast to talk about miscarriage and pregnancy loss during Baby Loss Awareness Week 2020.


We had a blast putting the world to rights with a LOT of swearing and laughter (and a most excellent rant about the well-known fertility cure of unicorn piss), as well a frank and honest conversation about the missing stories of those women & couples whose journeys *don't* end with a miracle rainbow baby - and the all-important question 'Will I be OK?'
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Ours is a club that none of us asked to join, but it means the world when you can speak to other members of that club and know you're not alone.

Check out the episode in the player below, or listen via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Buzzsprout

Misunderstandings Of Miscarriage

1 in 4 women experiences a miscarriage in their life.

I’m one of them.

And I’m proud to have taken part in a fantastic documentary with so many other brave women who are also members of the same club.

Misunderstandings of Miscarriage (MuM) explores the physical, emotional and psychological impacts of miscarriage, and aims to open up a conversation to normalise pregnancy loss and help women to know they don't need to walk this path alone.

I'm so so thrilled to have been a part of it - and to have been given the opportunity to represent the perspective of someone whose journey didn't end with a rainbow baby.

At the moment it's only available in Australia (on streaming service Stan) - but has recently been picked up for international distribution - so watch this space!

In the meantime to find out more please do check out the trailer below, the MuM website, and this review in the Sydney Morning Herald.

 

Tough Love: How to Survive and Thrive with medical infertility

I had the honour of being interviewed by my dear friend Federica Leonardis, who has started a new podcast called Tough Love, where she brings together stories that tell people that life after trauma is possible.

Whether that’s as a victim of circumstances or of the malice of others, this podcast explores how you can still have a marvellous life:

Have you ever wondered how, after tragedy hits, some people are able to move forward and thrive? In each episode of Tough Love, I'll interview a guest who has been through a traumatic experience such as medical infertility, divorce, abuse, the loss of a spouse, addiction, anorexia, a cancer diagnosis, a prison sentence. I will listen to their story and ask questions. I'll concentrate on the strategies and the daily habits they implemented that helped them rebuild their life and move beyond trauma. Tough Love celebrates human resilience, the amazing strength people display every day to live through what life has put in their path and move forward with courage and integrity.

How do you come to terms with the loss of something you never had? In this episode, we spoke about my journey through infertility and pregnancy loss, about the tyranny of hope, the healing power of dark humour and why sometimes hell really is other, well-meaning, people.

You can listen to the show online, on Spotify or Apple Podcasts - and do check out the other episodes for some incredible insights into a wide range of devastating and challenging life experiences.

Period Story Podcast: I Really Wish I Had Paid More Attention To My Cycles When I Was Younger

“Period Story is a podcast where in each episode, I sit down with a guest to talk about their period story, we get behind some of the myths and misconceptions about periods, and so much more.

Each episode features a notable and interesting person talking about their first period, the way they learned about periods and menstrual health, what they know now that they wish they knew back then and everything in between.”
— Period Story Podcast

Thank you to Le’Nise Brothers for inviting me onto Period Story Podcast; a fantastic podcast that does exactly what it says on the tin - really important conversations that take on taboos around menstruation:

Katy shared her journey through infertility and pregnancy loss, what she learned about her body, her inspiration for Uber Barrens Club and of course, the story of her first period.

Katy talks about reading the fabulous Judy Bloom book, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret? as a period rite of passage. She also shares the moment at the school gate that prompted her mum to make sure she understood the birds and bees 😄

Katy says that she went on the pill because she wanted to control her period and talks about what prompted her to eventually come off the pill and get diagnosed with lean PCOS.

We had a very candid discussion about what this diagnosis meant for her fertility journey at the time, what happened next and why Katy wishes she had paid more attention to her menstrual cycles when she was younger.

Katy says that she started Uber Barrens Club because she only ever saw one narrative of infertility, after people have been successful. She says that she wanted to write a different story and take back the word barren, reclaim it and make this silent sisterhood more visible.

Katy says that you don’t have to do this alone. She believes we should reach out, read up, learn about our bodies and not be afraid to ask questions. I love that!

For more info & a transcript of our conversation check out Period Story Podcast

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Baby Loss Awareness Week 2019

This year's Baby Loss Awareness Week was a total whirlwind, a bundle of emotions, and I think I'm still trying to process it all.

Guardian & Daily Mail: The 12 week rule

Things kicked off two days before the start of #BLAW2019 when an article I’d written about miscarriage and the 12 week rule was published in the Guardian on Mon 7th Oct - more about this and how it blew up (becoming a ‘new campaign’. according to Dame Jenni Murray!) in my previous post.

Mourning rituals

The following day, on Tues 8th Oct, I attended the funeral of a dear friend, who’d passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly: the day itself was somewhat of a blur, but on reflection I can’t help but think about mourning her death and celebrating her life juxtaposed with how we commemorate losses for those family members who never joined the family tree.

Tortoise: Why don’t we talk about miscarriage?

Immediately after the funeral I attended a Tortoise ThinkIn event titled Why don't we talk about miscarriage? Tortoise describe their ThinkIn events as ‘the engine of open journalism’:

“A ThinkIn is not another panel discussion. It is a forum for civilised disagreement. Modelled on what we call a ‘leader conference’ in the UK (or an editorial board in the US), it is a place where everyone has a seat at the table. It’s where we get to hear what you think, drawn from your experience, energy and expertise. It’s where, together, we sift through what we know to come to a clear, concise point of view.”
— Tortoise

Editor Polly Curtis reached out to me on Twitter to very kindly invite me to the event after she’d read my article about the 12-week rule - but I only learned afterwards that she has a particularly personal perspective on this subject, having written about her own experience of 8 devastating miscarriages in the Guardian in 2015. She chaired the discussion, featuring 3 terrific special guests

Here’s some highlights from a really inspiring, thought-provoking evening (& a full recording of the event is available here):

A few thoughts from the room, from our ThinkIn: "why don't we talk about miscarriage?"

 

Moncrieff

Then on Thu 10th Oct I was thrilled to be invited onto Moncrieff (apparently one of Ireland's most popular afternoon shows!) on Newstalk FM to discuss the 12-week rule with presenter Seán Moncrieff - you can listen to the interview on the Newstalk website (approx 12 mins - not deliberate!) We spoke about why the 12-week rule is harmful, why I want to change the way we talk about pregnancy loss, and also a little about my own experience of infertility and miscarriage (and why I think it's time to reclaim the word 'barren'!)

 

The cycle of life

In a cruel accident of timing, I was discussing my first miscarriage on national radio on the very day that would have been that baby's due date - and in another life we might have been celebrating a 3rd birthday.

In another life we wouldn’t have been lighting two candles at 7pm on the 15th October, for the global #WaveOfLight, where grieving parents across the world light candles to remember all the babies who have died too soon.

But in this life our journey took a different path. And just as we mourn loss, we celebrate new life. The morning my Guardian article came out, just before the start of #BLAW2019, I received the most wonderful (and unexpected) news from my brother. My beautiful nephew had come into the world 4 weeks early, and I was now an aunt. I am utterly besotted and overwhelmed with love for this tiny human, and so overjoyed he is safely here.

A microcosm of life in one week - birth, death, memories, new experiences, happy, sad and everything in between. Life, eh?

Guardian: Time to scrap the 12-week rule

Last year for Baby Loss Awareness Week I wrote an article for the Guardian about the language of pregnancy loss, and I was thrilled to be given the opportunity again this year. This year I wrote about the '12-week rule'; how it perpetuates the notion that miscarriage is something to hide and we shouldn’t make a fuss, thereby forcing so many women & couples to suffer in silence - and why we need a more empathic and supportive culture around early pregnancy loss.

For something that's so common (1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss), miscarriage can feel so incredibly lonely, because we're made to feel that it's no big deal and something we should sweep under the carpet. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy: privacy is voluntary, it's a choice you make to keep information to yourself - whereas secrecy is involuntary, when information is kept private out of fear for the consequences. The decision about what, when & if to share information about fertility, infertility, pregnancy and all outcomes thereafter should be a personal choice for YOU to do what's right for YOU - not an enforced societal expectation.

As a non-journalist, it’s a real honour to see my words in print - I’m chuffed to bits, and profoundly grateful to everyone who shared their thoughts on the 12-week rule with me. There's so much more I could have said, and I'd have loved to have explored the different perspectives around the decision to 'tell' - but unfortunately I was up against the constraints of a limited word count! Extra thanks to Prof Arri Coomarasamy, director of the Tommy's National Centre for Miscarriage Research and Dr Jessica Zucker, a clinical psychologist specialising in women's reproductive and maternal mental health and creator of the incredible #IHadAMiscarriage campaign, for their input.

As Jessica says - we may not be able to cure miscarriage, but why don't we at least attempt to cure the conversation?

 

The reaction

There were a few snarky comments in the Guardian comments section (as you’d expect), but on the whole the reaction to the article has been astonishing and overwhelming in the best way. So many comments on social media brought me to tears: not just because they said how because the conversation about this subject was happening and visible - and both women AND men were stepping out of the shadows to talk about their experiences of loss.

It then got really surreal when the Daily Mail published a response to my piece, co-authored by the brilliant Jennie Agg from The Uterus Monologues and Jenni Murray - describing the reaction to the article as a new campaign to overturn the 12-week rule!

And then even more surreal when a dear friend told me that the BBC ad shared the article on the official CBeebies for grownups Twitter and Facebook accounts - reaching a whole different audience than I’d ever imagined.

I’m deeply sad that so many people have had their own experiences of loss for this piece to resonate, but if it’s helped just one person feel less alone, then to me it’s a job well done.

Tommy's: Tell Me Why

So lovely to catch up with @jenniemonologues, @mrskmeaks & @thisisalicerose

So lovely to catch up with @jenniemonologues, @mrskmeaks & @thisisalicerose

Thank you to Tommy's for inviting me to the launch of their Tell Me Why campaign, calling for more research into the causes of miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth.

A shocking 71% of parents are not told why their baby has died in pregnancy or has been born prematurely - and in many cases, doctors simply don’t know why it’s happening.

“Without a medical reason for their stillbirth, miscarriage or premature birth 82% of women worry that it was caused by something they did.”
 

WHY we need more #PregnancyResearch

We need more research and investment in reproductive health.

Stillbirth, miscarriage and premature birth, in contrast to most other medical conditions, are linked to deep feelings of guilt and failure in women.

The lack of medical explanation for pregnancy complications and loss underpins this self-blame.

Not knowing WHY leaves parents feeling alone, powerless and full of worry for future pregnancies.

Tommy’s research proves that we can find answers and prevent babies from dying before, during and after birth.

But we need to know more and do more.

We need to be able to tell many more parents why it happened to them and how we can prevent it happening again.

Parents deserve to know WHY it happened. Only then can it be prevented in the future.

 

#TellMeWhy miscarriage happens

As a patient, I was honoured to visit The Miscarriage Clinic at the Biomedical Research Unit in Reproductive Health at University Hospital, Coventry - which is part of the Tommy's National Centre for Miscarriage Research -the UK’s first national centre dedicated to miscarriage research). Prof Jan Brosens and Prof Siobhan Quenby specialise in researching the role of the endometrium (womb lining) in implantation and miscarriage - which is the very issue that is the root cause of my infertility.

Sadly the issues with my endometrium were too severe to be overcome: Prof Brosens told me I was ‘the weirdest case’ he’d ever seen, and that there was no point in continuing treatment, as my womb was simply unable to support a pregnancy.

But the samples of my womb lining that were taken during my visits to the Coventry clinic contributed to the body of research to understand the role of the endometrium in infertility and miscarriage.

And it’s this research which has informed the development of three key checkpoints on which a successful pregnancy depend, as outlined in this brilliant animation:

Although I never ended up with my rainbow baby, I’m so proud to have perhaps contributed in some small part to the incredibly important research that Tommy’s are doing.

Prof Quenby gave the most incredible talk at the event, highlighting some of the key developments and innovations being developed out of her clinic, which are already saving babies lives.

 

#TogetherForChange

Pregnancy loss isn’t ‘just one of those things’.

1 in 4 people will lose a baby during pregnancy or have a premature birth.

It’s not OK that so many parents cannot be told why their baby died. It’s simply not good enough to say ‘It wasn’t meant to be’.

Please, please check out Tommy’s #TellMeWhy campaign hub, watch the films, share the message, and talk, talk, talk about miscarriage, so we can challenge these misconceptions and fight for more research.

Observer Book Review: The Brink of Being

I was honoured to be asked to review Julia Bueno’s fantastic new book about miscarriage 'The Brink of Being’ for the Observer.

It’s estimated that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and yet it’s an experience that remains largely ignored  –  a grief that the world seemingly doesn’t know how to talk about. In The Brink of Being, psychotherapist Julia Bueno draws on her own personal experience, stories from her consulting room, and interactions with experts, to examine miscarriage within its broader cultural, medical and historical context  – encouraging us to think more, and think differently, about pregnancy loss.

It’s incredibly moving, and I’d recommend it to anyone who’s been affected by miscarriage, or who would like to better support someone else who has.

You can read the full review here.


Tommys: #WeAreAllMums

I was honoured to contribute to Tommy’s Mother’s Day campaign ‘We Are All Mums’: Tommy’s recognise that Mother's Day can have very different meanings to each person, so they asked women who’ve all had very different experiences of motherhood to answer one question:

What does Mother's Day mean to you?

“‘Mother’s Day is a grief landmine of epic proportions for those of us who’ve suffered infertility and pregnancy loss. It’s a day you so desperately want to be able to celebrate, but fear you never will.

’A day that reminds you of what you’re missing out on — if that cycle had worked, or you hadn’t miscarried, you’d have a something-year-old child by now, and Mother’s Day would be a day of celebration, not mourning. And if like me you’ve lost your own mother, it’s a day you dread more than any other.

’To my sisters in loss - my heart goes out to you. I wish I had words of comfort, but all I can say is to remember that you are not alone . Be kind to yourself, and do whatever you need to do to get through the day. This too shall pass.’”

Read other women’s stories at the Tommy’s #WeAreAllMums page

My interview with The Fertility Podcast

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I was deeply honoured to have been invited onto The Fertility Podcast to record an interview about my infertility journey, the importance of finding your tribe for support (from other members of the club no one wants to join), and what I’m hoping to achieve with this book project (and how you can contribute by sharing your story)

The podcast went live today - fittingly on the first day of National Fertility Week , supporting this year’s theme #YouAreNotAlone

Thank you so much to Natalie at The Fertility Podcast for having me on: I really enjoyed our chat, and can’t wait to come back in a few months with updates about all the amazing stories you wonderful people are sharing.

You can listen to the podcast here, or find it on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher or Acast

And there are full details of the show notes here: The Fertility Podcast EP 158: The Notebook of Doom

Hope you enjoy! If you want to get in touch about anything in the podcast, just drop me a line, I’d love to hear from you.