Katy (the barren-ess)
For years I've posted anonymously on numerous public infertility forums, and under my own name only in private groups.
But now I'm stepping out of the barren closet, as it were.
If I'm asking people to share their stories with me, so that I can write a book about what it's really like to experience infertility and pregnancy loss - then it's only fair that I should be open about my own story.
Our story (the edited highlights)
My infertility and pregnancy loss journey has been pretty short and sharp, compared to most über barrens. My husband and I 'only' went through 4 IVF cycles, approx. 7 cancelled cycles (I've genuinely lost track), 2 pregnancies, and 2 losses (and about £45,000 or thereabouts in the process), in the space of less than 2 years.
However we reached the end of the road very rapidly - with Drs on both sides of the Atlantic confirming that my womb could not sustain a pregnancy, and that it was impossible for me to carry a child.
If I tried to explain the twists and turns of what happened along the way, that would be a (long, boring and depressing) book in itself - even the Drs I saw couldn't get their head around what the hell my reproductive organs were (and weren't) doing.
Remarks from two leading fertility consultants include:
So, er, yeah. I'm, like, really really barren.
We are very fortunate to have chromosomally normal embryos left on ice. Whilst there is pretty much zero chance that any of them will be able to become a person inside of me, there is a decent chance that one could inside someone else (whose uterus does work). However that's a huge undertaking, with many, many questions. We don't know what the next chapter of our journey will look like - I don't know if we will ever get a happy ending or not.
But I do know two things:
If I'm walking through hell, there's no one I'd rather be by my side than my incredible husband. Without wishing to get too soppy (but I'm going to anyway), he is my rock, my best friend, the love of my life, and my absolute favourite human. Whatever happens, I know we're a team.
I couldn't have got through the last few years without the support of other members of über barrens club. Women who just get it.
amazing people, amazing stories
This book and blog aren't about my story. They're a tribute to the wonderful, witty, kick-ass, foul-mouthed, kind-hearted, brave and ballsy community of über barrens (and the men who walk hand in hand by their side).
If this sounds like you, please, please, do share your story too.
Katy (aka the Barren-ess) xxx