Fertility Network Fertili-Tea

Fertility Network UK helps 3.5 million people in the UK with fertility challenges. But the charity needs our help so they can continue to do this amazing job. On 9th Feb 2019 the amazing Andreia Trigo from inFertile Life and newly-opened clinic IVF London hosted a Fertili-tea event to raise vital funds and break the silence around infertility.

I joined the fab Jessica Hepburn and Gabby and Emma from Big Fat Negative to chat about support, humour, coping mechanisms and looking after Project You while going through Project Baby, as well as a host of other brilliant speakers.

Tea, cake, meeting new people and raising money for a brilliant cause - not a bad way to spend an afternoon!

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Fertility Fest 2019: Everyone has a story

I’m thrilled to be writer-in-residence for Fertility Fest 2019, which is shaping up to be the biggest and best Fertility Fest yet - recently named by the Evening Standard as one of the best London arts festivals in 2019!

How Fertility Fest changed my life

Here’s my first piece for the Fertility Fest blog, about how the festival has evolved over the last 3 years, and how Fertility Fest changed my life

BBC Woman's Hour: IVF and the Two Week Wait

I was honoured to appear on BBC Woman’s Hour this morning to discuss IVF and the Two Week Wait with with Prof Geeta Nargund and Izzy Judd - and to then continue the discussion with (the legendary!) Jane Garvey in a bonus segment for the Woman's Hour podcast.

It was brilliant to share our insight into the deep anxiety of the 2ww from the patient perspective, which I hope will help listeners to better understand what a friend or loved one having IVF may be going through - and more generally to contribute to more open and honest public conversations about infertility.

Bonus segment

I also really enjoyed being able to discuss some of the wider issues around infertility beyond simply the 2ww in the additional segment we recorded, addressing some of the more difficult questions:

  • IVF success rates - how it's not a magic cure

  • why 'don't give up' can be a pernicious comment - as though stopping treatment makes you a quitter

  • how the language of infertility unintentionally attributes blame

  • how much of a woman's reproductive anatomy is named after men

  • how the toxic nature of infertility infects every part of your life

  • the physical, financial and emotional impact of infertility

  • why 'just adopt' isn't helpful

  • a shout out to my beloved husband who is my rock, my best friend, and my all-time favourite human

  • the importance of support from the AMAZING community of women on social media and online forums (that's YOU GUYS!)

Jane also read out some incredibly moving emails from listeners sharing their stories - they are so heartbreaking and so eloquent, and stories that deserve to be heard.

 

How to listen to the show

You can listen to the podcast below, or download via the Woman’s Hour website (click on the ‘download’ button for the full version incl. bonus podcast segment - available for 30 days only), Apple Podcasts (Ep 10th Dec 2018, IVF Waiting), Acast, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts from.

The main segment is at the start of the show (13 mins), and the extra bonus segment begins @ 44:40 (10 mins):

 

Highlight Clip

Don't have time to listen to the full episode?

Here's a 3 min snippet from the broadcast

And a short clip from the bonus segment:

 

Getting ‘dildocam’ into the official Radio 4 lexicon

I’d asked the show producer whether I could say the word ‘dildocam’ live on Radio 4 (because what would a discussion about IVF be without it), and jokingly tweeted about this.

I did not expect Jane Garvey to reply on Twitter to say that it was indeed acceptable vocabulary to use on air. Good to know. 

For the avoidance of any doubt, the official BBC Radio 4 account then chipped in with official confirmation of its acceptability. 

After which occasional Woman’s Hour host Emma Barnett (who has written about her own experience of IVF in the Sunday Times) added that she was delighted to have this word available for future scripting.

Glad to have enshrined ‘dildocam’ in official Woman’s Hour vocabulary.

My work here is done!

Metro: The craziest things I did in the name of infertility

HAVE YOU TRIED…

My fourth article for Metro’s Fertility Diaries series is about infertility madness - the debate over add-ons, and the crazy lengths that many infertility patients go to in pursuit of trying to have a baby.

It also features a rather fetching illustration whereby I’m immortalised in cartoon form alongside some viagra tablets and a tube of fertility lube (bet this article is going to do SEO for my name a world of good!!). I’ve only just managed to work out what the disembodied floating hand is - I think it’s someone with an acupuncture needle (although maybe I do have a massive third hand and have never noticed)

As you’ll know if you’ve ever experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, another infertility bingo classic is ‘have you tried….’ (usually followed by either ‘blatantly obvious suggestion’ or ‘miracle woo healing therapy that their sister’s neighbour tried’)

If a well-meaning-but-clueless friend/colleague starts the ‘have you tried…’ game with me, whilst very well intentioned, I inwardly take a deep breath, as I’m thinking ‘mate, I promise you I WILL win the ‘have you tried?’ game!

This article is a light-hearted look at some of the crazy lengths that I - and a number of other women (it’s not just me who’s lost the plot) - went to in the name of infertility. This is just a highlight of a long list of wacky infertility adventures - safe to say there’s a lot more where those came from!

Including such highlights as:

  • me pretending to be a middle-aged man with erectile dysfunction on the internet

  • my (short) career as an international drug trafficker

  • blessings by a Buddhist monk with a wooden phallus in the mountains of Bhutan 

  • a litany of fertility woo therapies

  • a whole host of other women's mad infertility adventures  

HAVE YOUR SAY

Are you fed up of being asked ‘have you tried’? What’s the craziest thing you’ve tried during your infertility journey?

I’m writing a book that challenges the fantasy infertility narrative of endless positivity and happy endings, by sharing real women’s (and men’s) stories about what it’s really like to struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss.

My goal is to represent as many different perspectives as possible: if you’ve experienced infertility or pregnancy loss — whether your journey is current or past, whether successful or not — I’d be honoured if you’d consider sharing your story anonymously.

Metro: It’s not just down to infertile couples to solve the adoption crisis

Why don’t you just adopt

My third article for Metro’s Fertility Month series examines how It’s not just down to infertile couples to solve the adoption crisis

Anthony Douglas, head of Cafcass (the public body representing children in care), said in a recent interview with the Daily Telegraph that the growing success of IVF has meant fewer people will consider adopting children:

“IVF used to be around 7% successful and now it’s around 30%.

So as a choice, adoption is competing with lots of other ways of having children.”

My biggest bugbear with the ‘it’s all the fault of selfish IVF couples’ argument (amongst many) is that it positions the adoption crisis as an issue that’s solely down to people with fertility problems to solve.

IVF isn’t a quick and easy fix either to conception, or to solving the adoption crisis - and it doesn’t help solve the latter to pretend it does.

Adoption is about finding homes for children, not children for infertile couples. And pretending that if selfish infertile couples stopped having IVF the problem would get sorted does a disservice to infertile couples, and to children in care.

This article is deliberately provocative, as I’ve tried to challenge the hypocrisies around this issue straight on - because I’m frankly fed up of the IVF bashing (and the perpetual double standards for infertile vs fertile couples.)

“Infertile couples are asked ‘why don’t you just adopt?’

To which I would respond, ‘Why didn’t you just adopt?’”

Have your say

Are you fed up of being told ‘why don’t you just adopt?’

I’m writing a book that challenges the fantasy infertility narrative of endless positivity and happy endings, by sharing real women’s (and men’s) stories about what it’s really like to struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss.

My goal is to represent as many different perspectives as possible: if you’ve experienced infertility or pregnancy loss — whether your journey is current or past, whether successful or not — I’d be honoured if you’d consider sharing your story anonymously.

Metro: Why treatment for male infertility is failing both men and women

Men matter too

My second article for Metro’s Fertility Month series examines how treatment for male infertility is failing both men and women

Men are massively overlooked in the fertility experience more generally: but the inadequate care for male infertility - inadequate diagnosis, meaning inadequate treatment - is also harming women, as ICSI treatment bypasses the male problem to treat the issue in the woman’s body.

Normally I rail against articles which focus on the miracle baby success stories, but in this instance these examples - real examples, from real couples - were pretty critical for the overall argument (spoiler alert: that if treatable problems were diagnosed and treated, this might increase the chances of success, or eliminate the need for invasive ICSI altogether.) These stories are used to demonstrate tangible examples where proper care has made a tangible difference to the outcome. Which I hope will spark discussion and debate!

It’s an issue that’s woefully ignored in both public discourse and within the fertility industry itself - so I hope that this article will help to encourage more open conversations about this issue.

“Male infertility is a growing problem on a global scale — so when are clinicians going to start taking it more seriously?”
 

Have your say

I’m writing a book that challenges the fantasy infertility narrative of endless positivity and happy endings, by sharing real women’s (and men’s) stories about what it’s really like to struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss. My goal is to represent as many different perspectives as possible — including the male perspective.

If as a couple you’ve experienced infertility or pregnancy loss (regardless of which partner has received the infertility diagnosis, if any)— whether your journey is current or past, whether successful or not — I’d be honoured if you’d consider sharing your story anonymously.

There are questionnaires for both the female and male perspective — and I’d particularly love to hear more from the guys!

Metro: How to support someone with fertility problems

I’m really excited to have the opportunity to write for Metro’s Fertility Month series: the first article is about how to support a friend or loved on struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss.

There's lots of articles about what not to say (aka infertility bingo), but Metro wanted something that offered guidance for what you should say or do instead. They commissioned me to write this piece based on the hundreds of responses to my anonymous questionnaire for women (and men) to share their stories, - specifically, to the question that asks respondents what advice you would give to anyone who's supporting a friend or loved one with fertility problems.

There's no universal right or wrong thing to say or do, but these suggestions are based on the answers of several hundred different women, so they're hopefully at least a pretty decent start.

These are just a couple of highlights:

“Say ‘I’m sorry’ Give us a hug and say ‘I’m so sorry’”
“Do not try to solve the problem There’s nothing you can say or do to fix this, so stop trying to do so. ”
“Just listen & acknowledge our distress.

Don’t feel you have to do anything other than listen.
Don’t tell us what to do or what to think or what to feel.

Just listen to us, and allow us to be sad and angry at how unfair life is. Be there, let us know you care, that you’re there, and that you want to understand our feelings and needs. Acknowledge that it’s an unimaginably cruel situation and let us offload”

HAVE YOUR SAY

My goal for this book project is to represent as many different perspectives as possible .

If as a couple you’ve experienced infertility or pregnancy loss (regardless of which partner has received the infertility diagnosis, if any)— whether your journey is current or past, whether successful or not — I’d be honoured if you’d consider sharing your story anonymously.

If any of these ‘infertility bingo’ comments strike a chord and you’d like to get something off your chest, or suggest some advice of your own, I’d love to hear from you!

Speaking on LBC about infertility and miscarriage

I was listening to the Maajid Nawaz show on LBC on Sat 10th Nov, where he had a segment on infertility and miscarriage - following Michelle Obama’s interview where she revealed her own experience of IVF and miscarriage, and her feelings of isolation and shame.

He posed lots of questions to listeners for the phone-in: including whether we agreed with Mrs Obama that women did indeed suffer in silence - as well as the issue of delayed childbearing and egg freezing for women who wanted to prioritise their careers.

I called in while the fantastic Ruth Bender-Atik from the Miscarriage Association was on the line, and the researcher put me directly through to have my say.

Here’s the recording of my call - where you can hear me talking about:

  • the fact that even when people do talk about their infertility struggles or miscarriages, it’s almost always after they’ve been successful - because society doesn’t want to accept that not all problems are fixable (and as a result there’s a belief that IVF is a sure-fire guarantee)

  • challenging him about the reasons why women freeze their eggs - as the no 1 reason women freeze their eggs is because they’ve not met the right partner, not because they’re 'selfish career women’

  • why I’d recommend counselling and finding your tribe if you’re going through similar struggles

10th Nov 2018 - Maajid Nawaz show on LBC - a segment on infertility and miscarriage, following Michelle Obama’s interview revealing how women suffered in silence. I called in to add my perspective on this issue (and also to challenge his suggestion that women were freezing their eggs to enable them to delay childbearing to prioritise their careers...)

#BloomFest: The Secret Self

I was honoured to be invited to speak on a panel at BloomFest on 8th November, bringing together my work life and my infertility life - this was truly ‘coming out of the closet’!

BloomFest is a one-day conference and the flagship event for the Bloom network, a professional network for women in communications. The theme for 2018 was ‘Fighting Our Fictions: Challenging myths within the industry’, with proceeds from the day supporting Women’s Aid

We believe that myths within our industry are barriers to women realising their ambitions. Accepted fictions about power, privilege, pay, parenthood and beyond, become the basis upon which the industry is built and influence how women shape ourselves and our careers. At BloomFest 2018, we will uncover and meet these fictions head on, challenging the narratives woven into the workplace and ourselves in order to drive real change.

It was daunting and thrilling to be on the bill alongside incredible women in the industry (keynotes were delivered by Dame Carolyn McCall and feminist campaigner Caroline Criado Perez), and it was a fantastic and inspirational day

I took part in a panel about the Secret Self, about hiding invisible struggles at work - concealing who we are, or what we face, in order to project a professional image of ambition and perfection. I was honoured to speak alongside some amazing women from my industry (Helen Calcraft, Founding Partner, Lucky Generals; Jan Gooding, Chair, Stonewall UK & President, Marketing Research Society; Charlie Hunt, Head of New Business, Digitas UK; Namrata Dhadialla, Associate Director, MediaCom; moderated by Victoria Brooks, Sustainability Strategy Director & Head of Programmes, Bloom) discussing issues including sexual harassment, cancer, mental health, sexuality, bereavement - and infertility & pregnancy loss.

Whilst the other sessions were filmed and tweeted, our session was kept private to respect people exposing their vulnerabilities - but what was very clear was that whatever we see on the surface, we never know what someone else might be going through. I was the nominated ‘infertility and pregnancy loss’ speaker, but I wasn’t the only one on the panel who’d gone through multiple rounds of IVF. I spoke to lots of different women during the day, and many revealed their own struggles.

Confessions from ‘The Booth of Truth’

Confessions from ‘The Booth of Truth’

Attendees were encouraged to share their anonymous confessions about their own experiences within the industry around key themes of the day; which were then posted on boards and shared with the audience.

These included:

“When your CEO tells you that he only hires ‘pretty blonde girls’ and then regularly invites female employees back to his hotel for champagne.”
“If a woman does call out a man for sexual harassment, she will never be able to find a job again.”
“I came back to work recently, six months after having my baby. Because, to keep my role, I had to. In hindsight, it was too early and I cried in secret, not being able to continue breastfeeding.”
“I lost my first daughter, she was stillborn. I left my job as no-one knew how to ‘deal’ with me after my loss.”

The last of these was utterly heartbreaking, and it’s exactly why we need to talk more openly about pregnancy loss - so that those who suffer devastating losses are supported, not awkwardly ignored.

Within the workplace - and outside of it as well - there are plenty of #EverydayActions that we can all embrace to help us thrive, not just survive: wisdom that I know I’ll try to carry with me:

WISE UP

  1. Be proud and wear your scars: they make you you.

  2. Know it takes more energy to hide than to flourish.

  3. Understand you are not alone in your struggles, your fears, and your experiences.

  4. Mistakes happen; learn and move on from them.

  5. Remember diversity is more than just skin deep.

  6. Don’t try to emulate others: be the best version of yourself.

  7. Respect that people respond to challenges differently.

  8. Remember judgement from others is often rooted in jealousy.

  9. Know perfectionism can lead to paralysis; learn to let the little things go.

  10. Recognise you can do it all; just not at the same time, unless you don a cape.


EYES UP

  1. Take time to think about what success looks like for you: create your career map once you know your destination.

  2. Play to your strengths: harness what you are good at to grow your gravitas.

  3. Avoid the ‘just’ trap

  4. Use language and body language to have more impact.

  5.  Make time for training.

  6. Step outside your comfort zone: challenge should be positive, not negative.

  7. Focus on producing quality work not putting in hours: if your work is done, go home.

  8. Invest in yourself: you can’t pour from an empty cup.

  9.  Learn to delegate in every aspect of your life – work and home.

  10. Surround yourself with people who lift you up – team, sponsors, mentors.

  11. Don’t say yes to things when you want to say no; saying no is the best skill you’ll ever learn.


RISE UP

  1. Give those who are under-represented a step up so they can be heard.

  2. Call it out if you witness unsavoury behaviour, if you think there is a lack of representation in the room or if you feel something is not right.

  3. Create a safe environment for your teams.

  4. Demand blind CVs.

  5. Talk to your male colleagues: we cannot thrive if we only talk in the echo chamber.

You can find out more about your rights at work whilst struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss in my post about Fertility at Work

Guardian: I’m a feminist. So why does infertility make me feel like a failure?

I wrote an article for The Guardian published on World Fertility Day, during UK Fertility Week about the impact of infertility on my female identity.

Read the full story here:

I’m a feminist. So why does infertility make me feel like a failure?

Reactions

Unlike my previous Guardian op-ed about miscarriage, this article did have comments enabled - obviously there were the predictable ‘why don’t you just adopt’ comments, but there were some thoughtful and compassionate comments also, that I thought worth highlighting:

It was a really challenging, but very rewarding piece to write - if this has struck a chord, I’d be honoured if you’d consider sharing your story