One of the books that's made the biggest difference to coming to terms with my own infertility, authored by one of the writers and speakers who's helped me most along this journey, is 'Living the Life Unexpected' by Jody Day.
Jody is an amazing woman who I’m proud to have got to know: she’s a tireless advocate and voice for anyone who (for whatever reason) finds themselves childless-not-by-choice and founder of Gateway Women - a global friendship and support network for childless women.
‘Living the Life Unexpected’ is a book about coping with the heartbreak of involuntary childlessness and finding hope for a new kind of life – a life unexpected.
When I first read it, I wasn’t ready for any of that. Even now that we’ve come to end of the road with my body, having been told by doctors on both sides of the Atlantic that I will never be able to carry a child, I don’t know what the next phase of our journey will look like. So why would I choose to read - let alone enjoy, let alone recommend - a practical guide for making sense of a new identity as a childless woman?
“Let this book be your lighthouse; let it be your hope in the dark. Those of us who’ve already made this trip are waiting for you on the other side, and many others are in the water alongside you, each feeling that they’re swimming alone. But you’re not alone. Welcome to your Tribe.”
Hope: A Different Perspective
If you’ve come across any of my writing or broadcasting before, you’ll probably know that ‘don’t lose hope’ and 'you’ll get there' are platitudes about infertility and pregnancy loss that drive me bonkers, because they suggest that any journey can be successful if you just keep going - the implication being that if you don't end up with a baby, it's because you didn't try hard enough, or because you didn't want it enough.
In the depths of despair, when the only way out of the darkness that was presented to me was to have a baby, the prospect of what would happen to me if I didn’t end up with a baby was utterly terrifying. Would I feel like this forever? Do people survive this?
(The answer is no, and yes, in that order).
Living the Life Unexpected was a lifeline because it gave me reassurance that happiness was possible even if our journey wasn’t successful.
The only infertility stories always seemed to end up with miracle babies, but what about the people who didn’t? Jody’s book helped me to realise that there was light at the end of the tunnel even if we didn’t end up at the destination we’d set out for.
I was still in treatment when I read this book, and it made such a huge difference to my mental health, because it helped me to realise that the ‘there’ in ‘you’ll get there’ didn’t necessarily mean ending up with a much-longed-for baby.
It helped me to realise that ‘don’t give up hope’ didn’t just mean hope that I would become a mother - but hope that I could still be happy even if I didn’t end up as a mother.
“For anyone who wanted to be a mother but is facing the prospect that the future you longed for might not happen, this book is the companion for you.”
Stories of Survival
The book is packed with practical advice about how to let go of the dream of motherhood to forge a creative, happy, meaningful and fulfilling future without children - which I wasn’t ready for. And that’s OK. I knew that it was there should the time come, a kind of ‘break glass in case of emergency’ safety backup system.
The stories of women who’d been in my shoes and felt what I was feeling, whose journeys hadn’t turned out how they’d hoped, but who’d made it through to the other side and found a new way forward - they were the role models I didn’t know I so desperately needed.
When the only stories I saw had fairytale endings, their stories showed that there are many different routes to your happy-ever-after.
It was the antidote to the tyranny of positivity that so infuriated me. It filled the gap in the ‘it’ll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms’ narrative, that had no answer for ‘but what happens if I don’t end up with a baby in my arms?’
You don’t have to be at this crossroads yet to read this book.
But it’s a really useful map to help you feel less fearful and more prepared about what might lie ahead if you do reach that point - and a guide to get through it if you do end up there.
How to get your own copy
A brand new 2nd edition, fully revised with fresh perspectives for a new decade, is coming out on 19th March 2020, and I have a free, personally dedicated and signed copy to give away - check out my instagram to find out more!
Don’t worry if you miss out, there are over 25 copies up for grabs across the rest of the blog tour between now and 20th March, or by signing up for Jody’s free webinar on ‘Coping with Mother’s Day‘ on 14th March for a chance to win.
If you’re in the UK, you can pre-order a copy of the book (paperback or ebook) here.
If you’re outside the UK you can buy it online via Amazon or The Book Depository (which offers free international delivery).
Follow the blog tour
This post is just one of many on an international ‘blog tour’ to celebrate the launch of this new edition: many other bloggers from the CNBC (childless-not-by-choice) community around the world will be sharing their reflections about the book (and offering the chance to win a free copy) - please do check them out!
This post isn’t sponsored: I’m just delighted to support Jody’s work, as she’s been a true inspiration to me, and has helped me - and so many other women - along the way. I hope it’ll help you too ❤️